Life could be traumatic, shocking, even terrible. We are ALL “damaged” goods, by our experiences in it. We all get our hearts and feelings broken one way or another. The difference lies in how we react to these inevitable events.

According to Dr. Sylvan one way to deal is shame. She states tha shame is “a protective response to keep us connected to the group rather than wondering off dangerously by ourselves.It has been given to us to help us survive and to eliminate it would not be safe.”

So it turns out that the way the majority of us deal with shame has been studied. Dr. L. Nathason came up with what he calls “The Compass of Shame”, with each pole being a “scripted set of things to say to oneself and ways of behaving towards others.”

Starting from the North end of the compass, we have “Withdrawl”, followed by “Attack self”, “Avoidance” and ending with “Attack Other” at the west end of the compass.

I tend to be passive-aggressive when faced with conflict. So I would associate myself with having a “Withdrawl” reaction to dealing with potentially shameful experiences.

The most recent emotional conflict I experienced was Thusrday. I went to show my grandmother a pair of eyeglasses that I just received in the mail. She inmediately criticized them and even said their were rather “ordinary”. Meaning that they were ugly. My aunt who was present tried to intervine in my defense by saying they looked good and added that I liked was all that mattered.

I remember walking away seemingly unaffected by grandmother’s comments. Clearly that wasn’t the case because I kept thinking about it and how I wasn’t going to say anything. I was trying to talk myself of how meaningless this and that I should just let go.

Eventually, a couple of days latter. I told of how it wasn’t nice what she said. By then unfortunately, she had forgotten or denied that she that and instead accused of harboring stuff in my heart instead of talking to her.

I think I should’ve confronted her kindly right then an there when she said what she said. That would’ve saved me the hearthache of harboring stuff for days instead of just bringing it up.

I’ve learned that I need less passive-aggressive, more upfront with my feelings and what I have in my mind.